I’m fed up with the bloody thankless tasks.

The washing that’s never finished. Thinking about what everyone’s having for dinner. The food shop. School runs. Appointments. Work. Emails. Remembering who needs to be where, and when.

None of it sounds like much when you say it one job at a time. Put it all together, every single day, and it’s a lot.

I joked that I deserved a gold star for getting the washing basket empty. Or perhaps a pay rise for all the jobs nobody seems to notice until they haven’t been done.

But underneath the joke, I was tired.

A little while ago, I went to stay with my dad. He’s been poorly, and I’ve spent years looking after him through his treatment. That weekend, he looked after me. Tea, toast, little things like that.

He said, “Someone needs to look after you every now and again, sweetheart.”

I nearly cried. I think it caught me off guard because I hadn’t realised quite how much I needed someone to say it.

When did looking after yourself become another job?

I hear women in their 40s and 50s say they want to feel better, get stronger, lose weight or have more energy. Then we talk about what their days actually look like.

They’re working. Raising children. Helping parents. Keeping a home running. Being the person everyone calls because they’ll sort it out.

And then comes the advice: meal prep, exercise, sleep eight hours, manage your stress.

I know those things matter. They’re part of the work I do. But I also know how irritating that advice can sound when you’re already doing everything you can to get through the week.

When, exactly, am I supposed to fit all that in?

And then perimenopause turns up

For some women, perimenopause brings poor sleep, anxiety, brain fog or a change in how their body feels. Things they would once have taken in their stride suddenly feel harder. You can be doing the same jobs you’ve always done and feel much less able to keep up with them. 

That doesn’t mean every difficult day is down to hormones. Sometimes you’re overwhelmed because you have too much on your plate. Both things deserve to be taken seriously.

I don’t want a woman to think she’s failing because she’s forgotten an appointment, snapped at someone, or can’t face making yet another dinner. I want to know what’s going on for her. How is she sleeping? What is she carrying? Is anyone helping?

What actually helps?

I’m a big believer in eating well and getting stronger. Protein, regular meals and strength training can make a real difference to how you feel and what your body can do. Strength work is recommended for adults at least twice a week, and it’s something I love helping women find their way into. 

But I’m never going to tell a woman who is running on empty that she simply needs more discipline.

We start with her real life. Maybe lunch has become something she grabs between jobs. Maybe she misses the gym because she’s exhausted by the time she gets there. Maybe she’s doing all the thinking and organising at home, as well as most of the doing.

There are things we can work on with food and movement. There may also be jobs she can hand over, help she can ask for, or a bit of time she needs to protect for herself. That can be the harder conversation.

The day I made that thankless tasks reel, I said I was clocking off at two. I was going to sit on my arse for a couple of hours. I might even have a nap. Whatever wasn’t done could wait.

I meant it. And, honestly, I needed to hear myself say it.

If you recognised yourself in any of this, I hope you can take a moment to see how much you’re doing. Perhaps there’s one thing on today’s list that someone else could do. Perhaps there’s one thing that really can wait.

And if someone offers to make you tea and toast, let them.